nine: snuffboy chronicles—homeless in Oxford

[In honor of having returned to the states from Oxford 11 years ago in May 2009 and to lighten the mood a little from my usual topics, I’m launching this new intermittent mini-series about my most memorable experiences on the other side of the pond. I’m calling it “snuffboy chronicles” for reasons you will discover in this episode…]

My three years in Oxford forever ruined my neurosurgical career. This was ultimately a good thing because, of course, all the things I ended up doing instead. First, some context…

The third oldest (continuously operating) university in the world was established in 1096 within the walled city of Oxford, England.

Today, the University has a unique structure being made up of 38 individual colleges, some hundreds of years old and others from just the last century. Every single college is a self-contained independent organization each with their own dorms, dining halls, chapels, libraries, pubs, gardens, teaching rooms, study rooms, administration, staff, etc. The head of the college is called the Principal (and sometimes Master or Warden) and the faculty are called Fellows. Colleges are typically made up of several structures built around at least one courtyard; they essentially look like mini castle complexes. It’s very redundant, tbh, but it’s a huge part of the charm of the place (see picture below).

So, essentially, the Oxford college system is almost like a massive, co-ed Greek (US fraternity/sorority) system but with a lot more amenities. All students, undergraduate and graduate, belong to one of the 38 colleges so the one you belong to becomes a part of your identity. Like the US Greek system, certain colleges are considered more prestigious than others and may ultimately impact your overall experience and opportunities. The top college academically is Merton College, although, the most hallowed is one that accepts no undergraduates and is credited with administering one of the most difficult exams in the world: All Souls College. The college used for filming the Harry Potter movies is the massive Christ Church College which is no academic slouch. The last remaining women’s-only college is St. Hildas College. Unfortunately, its members are often referred to as “Hildabeasts”.

My college, Brasenose College (BNC) is known for rugby, 200-year-old elite dining clubs, and former students William Golding (author of Lord of the Flies) and more recently, David Cameron (former Prime Minister).

Postdocs, as I was, are technically employees of the University and therefore do not have any college affiliation. They are, in effect, homeless in Oxford. They have their lab and department and their apartment and that’s all… no real university identity. So, the “JRF” is a highly coveted position for a “homeless” postdoc.

In episode seven, I briefly described the concept of the JRF (Junior Research Fellow) at Oxford. Essentially, it is a competitive application process whereby a postdoc can become affiliated with a college and it makes you a shoe-in for an Oxford faculty position. In my case, there were over 60 other highly qualified applicants for the one JRF slot at BNC.

Perks of being a JRF include prestige, full college access, free daily lunches and dinners at high table with the Principal and Fellows (if you are a fan of Harry Potter this is equivalent to dining with Dumbledore et al. at the head table and, as you know, Oxford was the model for Hogwarts), invitations to several other special dinners throughout the year (also free), use of a “fellows-only” door on the main street to enter college (everyone else has to walk around the block to the main entrance), permission to walk on the grass in the courtyards (yes, only fellows can walk on the grass in colleges!), full access to the senior common room (SCR) which is a fellows-only private suite sometimes called the smoking room although you no longer can smoke there (basically a really posh private club with 20-foot ceilings, large original oil paintings of landscapes, plush chenille couches, single malt scotch, etc.), participation in teaching at the college (paid), a small research allowance (which I used to buy a new MacBook every year, for instance), and sometimes a stipend and living allowance.

It’s pretty fucking sweet.

PHOTO: Four of the BNC science JRFs with the Principal in the SCR Smoking Room. All the JRFs are up to amazing stuff… one is a government leader, another is a professor of cell biology, and one is a physicist who was on the huge team that discovered the Higgs boson (Nobel Prize in 2013).

Now, let me describe the typical formal dinner in “hall” (dining hall)… it is a whole production with charming traditions.

For all dinners except Sundays (which are black tie), dress code for fellows is officially simply "gowns" (those black academic robes that Oxford “dons” wear, see picture), but unofficially you're expected to wear a tie and a jacket, although it doesn't have to be a proper suit.

PHOTO: Just before my first college dinner in 2007 in my academic gown and BNC tie.

High table dinner in Six Acts:

ACT I: Preprandial Drinks. We all gather for drinks before 7:15pm in the SCR smoking room with gown on and wait for the Butler (a jovial Portugese fellow named William) to collect the group. Tardiness is very poor form as it holds everyone up (literally, the undergraduates don’t get to eat until the fellows arrive). At 7:15, the Principal becomes a human sorting hat and decides right in front of everyone who sits to the left and right of him at high table.

ACT II: The Procession. There is a procession of fellows from the SCR smoking room through the adjacent and ancient SCR dining room to hall. The order of procession is Principal first, followed by fellows with their guests, followed by lone fellows. There is a secret fellows-only staircase we descend towards the two large doors into hall. It is extremely dark, steep, and narrow and it is a miracle I never tumbled down them sober, let alone drunk. When all the fellows have gathered, the butler and porters open the doors to hall. When there are esteemed guests, the undergraduates stand as we enter (I only saw this a handful of times including when I was a guest after my JRF interview).

ACT III: High Table. Unless someone directs you somewhere, find a seat wherever you like on High Table (other than the ends or the center seat) and sit down. The Vice-Principal of the college and Bursar at the ends of the table remain standing until everyone else has arrived and are seated. They then take their seats. A few moments pass and just as you start feeling settled in the Principal strikes the gavel and everyone stands for the preprandial grace given by the Bible Clerk in Latin:

Oculi omnium spectant in te Deus. Tu das illis escas tempore opportuno. Aperis manum tuam et imples omne animal tua benedictione. Mensae caelestis nos participes facias, Deus, Rex, aeternae gloriae, Amen.

You say “Amen” and partake of the ceremonial blood feast laid out before you.

PHOTO: The view towards high table in hall. This was dinner for the quincentennial ball so on this occasion there were no academic gowns worn. You can see my bald head at high table right beneath the wooden unicorn carving with the massive erection.

Just kidding. You take your seats. Offer to serve water to guests first and Fellows around you. Still in clear bottles, sparkling in frosted bottles. Commence eating and merrymaking. It is customary to talk to the person next to you until “first” dessert and then you turn to the other side and speak to the other person. You can engage with people across the table, but it is a stretch and sometimes you just end up shouting. Retain your napkin for second dessert (will explain below). When everyone is finished with “first” dessert, the Principal will strike the gavel again. All rise and the Principal says a brief grace (Benedicto benedicatur, amen) and everyone processes back up the deadly stairway to the SCR dining room for “second” dessert.

ACT IV: Second Dessert. This is literally another dessert course (with more alcohol) by candlelight (did I mention I gained 15 lbs as a JRF?). As opposed to a more substantial “pudding” for dessert in hall, the fare at second dessert is much lighter… usually fresh and dried fruits, fancy cheese and crackers, small baked goods. Hey hotshot, did you bring your napkin with you?!? If not, you don’t get another one. The Vice-Principal or next most senior fellow is in charge of second dessert. He sits at the head of the table. Gowns are typically shed before seating which is usually a relief since they are heavy wool and it can get hot and stuffy in there (in the winter, the fireplace is going full blast as well). When you enter the room the VP will play sorting hat this time and direct you where to sit… usually so that you are sitting next to new people from high table. Take your seat immediately.

Start eating when all are seated and settled. There is no particular protocol for the fruit/cheese/cracker plates other than to politely offer the plates to others when you are finished. There are three decanters of alcohol: port (fortified wine), claret (semi-dry red), and sauternes (off-dry white/dessert wine). After serving yourself, these are continually passed to the left. This is probably your most important duty at second dessert as a fellow! Keep that goddam alcohol moving! Don’t be afraid to give the person on your left a gentle verbal nudge if the bottles haven’t moved for a while or people will be shooting arrows at you with their eyes from across the table.

PHOTO: The aftermath of one particularly lively “second” dessert.

After people have had their fill for the most part (at least several revolutions of drinks) it is snuff time (see below)!!! There is no grace at the end of second dessert. After snuff, people are free to run off as they please at their leisure. Usually, one will get up and offer coffee from the espresso machine to their guests and then proceed to the Smoking Room for single malt whisky and more conversation. The servers and butlers usually don’t get to leave until they’ve cleaned off the table and this is not possible until everyone has moved on to the Smoking Room.

ACT V: Snuff Duty. Snuff is tobacco that is mixed with various other fragrant herbs and extracts and snorted. The honor of snuff duty is bestowed upon the most junior fellow present, (i.e., likely to be a JRF… and during my first year, usually it was me). It is the duty of the youngest fellows present to determine who is “snuffboy” for the evening and to initiate this (sometimes the VP may nod at you from across the table). Stand up, walk to the right of the VP and pick up the antique solid silver snuff box with your right hand and place it in your left hand. Tilt the box towards you and give it a couple of taps with your right index/middle fingers to collect the snuff at the bottom and to call attention to yourself.

Open the case like a book and offer some snuff to the guest immediately to your right. From here on work around the table in a counter-clockwise fashion always offering snuff from the guests’ left ending with the Vice Principal. At each new guest, do your box tapping routine and offer snuff (e.g., “Pardon. Would you care for any snuff?”). Repeat until you get back to the beginning at which point, the VP may ask you to take some yourself (you don’t have to, of course, but I never refused). Most people refuse snuff, but many have never tried it. Therefore, it is also your job to teach interested newbies how to take snuff…

Act VI: Snuff Primer. The individual will grab a small pinch of snuff with their right hand and make a trail (~3 cm) on the back of their left hand. Alternatively, if you know where the anatomical snuffbox is (med students!) you can place the pinch in a pile there. Then, with a steady firm nasal suction (not like a sharp cocaine snort, but like a constant sniff as if walking into a kitchen and smelling your favorite dish cooking) and a steady side to side head wag (to inoculate both nostrils), breathe in the delicious flavor crystals. Sneezing is common and not necessarily poor form (so in a pandemic, snuff should be restricted to home use only). Sit back and enjoy the sting. Technically, the snuffboy is supposed to take snuff with every single guest who takes snuff… which on livelier nights would probably lead to a stroke (JK). It’s actually quite a shot in the arm, but you pay for it the following day when you blow your nose and twigs and berries come out.

So, that’s dinner at a 500-year-old Oxford college as a glimpse into what my 3-year postdoc experience was like outside of lab. Stay tuned for the next “snuffboy chronicles” which may include stories of the modern reincarnation of The Hell Fire Club, more about the unicorn’s massive erection, racism, life in Oxford Castle, a once-in-a-lifetime 500th anniversary college ball, hostel-hopping in London, or a legendary haunt called the Purple Turtle...